The Science - Becoming a Father
When you become a father, you embark on one of life's great journeys. Like all the best voyages, sometimes you will feel like you need a map. Fatherhood changes who you are, your feelings, and your position in the world. It also brings an existential bond with your children. Doubts about whether you are 'up for the job' of being a good father or about your role are perfectly normal. The uncertainty is all part of how nature prepares us for future changes. You 'become Dad' over months and years, not just when you hold your child in your arms for the first time. So, remember, fatherhood is an evolving process. While 'becoming a Dad' may be different and unique for every man, its emotional power is universal.
Fathers During Pregnancy
Men's and women's paths to parenthood are very different. However, just because men do not grow babies inside them does not mean the nine months of pregnancy pass them by untouched and without feeling. Oxytocin, also known as the 'love' hormone, used to be thought of as crucial only for women because, for them, it is so closely involved in bringing on birth and breastfeeding. However, more recently, scientists have explored oxytocin's role in men and found that it matters for them too. It is central to forming relationships and working alongside other hormones, including dopamine (the 'reward' hormone), which oils the wheels of relationships, helping men form bonds with partners, children, and even their friends. These hormones and another one you might be more familiar with – testosterone – all have a part to play in what you do and how you feel as a father, even before you meet your child!
During pregnancy, the oxytocin levels of expectant Moms and Dads who live together are amazingly similar. Why does this happen? Our speech and movement often mirror theirs when we are in a close and supportive relationship with someone. There can also be other types of 'synchronizes'; for example, our heart rate, body temperature, and blood pressure adjust to similar levels. The oxytocin 'sync' is a bit like that. This matters because oxytocin helps parents to be more empathetic and cooperative and more open to the experience of the baby's arrival. For Dads, in particular, it may make us less orientated to external rewards and 'lean in' more towards the family. So, we are primed to work together as a parenting team – even before the baby arrives. This may help explain why many fathers and mothers’ nest' before their children arrive. We tend to create physical space for the baby – turning a spare room into a nursery, for example, or finding an alternative space if we do not have a spare room, buying baby-grows, car seats, pushchairs, and buggies. We also build a mental space. Many Dads talk and sing to the bump. Evidence suggests that this helps the unborn child begin to recognize our voices. We also imagine how the baby might look and experience great pleasure when he or she kicks or moves around in Mom's tummy. Ultrasound scans allow parents to 'meet' their babies in the womb, and many find these encounters emotionally powerful. At this stage, men begin to bond with their babies – before a baby is born.
So, without stressing about the quality of your bond with your soon-to-be baby (after all, the 'meat' of father-child relationship-building happens once the baby has arrived), why not open yourself up to the idea of becoming a brilliant involved Dad and spend some time thinking about how you might achieve that?
This pre-birth bonding doesn’t happen for all Dads, though, and you really shouldn’t worry if it doesn’t happen for you. But, for what it’s worth, scientists believe there are three factors that make it more likely:
How often you daydream about your baby, and how this makes you feel.
The more you imagine your life as a Dad, and feel good about it, the more likely it is that you’ll develop a strong, early bond.
Your relationship with your partner.
The closer you are, the more likely you are to ‘attach’ strongly and identify early with your baby.
How comfortable you are with the idea of being an ‘involved Dad’.
The more you aspire to be involved, rather than the more traditional, slightly distant ‘breadwinner Dad’, the more likely you are to experience a close attachment when your baby arrives.
References
Davies, J., Green., A., Madden, D., Burns, J., Burchett, N., and Clark Elford, R. (2021). Becoming a dad: a guide for new fathers. Mental Health Foundation. www.fatherhoodinstitute.org/2021/becoming-dad
