The process of becoming a Mother

When a child is born, so is a mother, but the natural (and sometimes unsteady) motherhood transition is often silenced by shame. In this quick, informative blog, I will break down the emotional rollercoaster of becoming a new mother and share a term that could help describe it: “matrescence”.

Pregnancy and motherhood for most women is a joyful experience. However, most mothers also experience worry, disappointment, guilt, competition, frustration, anger, and fear. After all, birthing a new identity can be as demanding as birthing a new baby, and becoming a mother is an identity shift that is one of the most important physical and psychological changes a woman will ever experience.

The process of becoming a mother, coined by anthropologists as "matrescence," has been largely unexplored in the mental health community. Research has primarily focused on how a baby develops after birth but shies away from focusing instead on the woman's identity transition. A woman's story and how her psychology impacts her parenting is vital to examine, too. Of course, this transition is also significant for fathers and partners (more on that later), but women who undergo the hormonal changes of pregnancy may have a specific neurobiological experience. Essentially, it is also vital to understand the psychology of pregnant and postpartum women to help promote healthier parenting and an easier transition to “matrescence” (motherhood); knowing the challenges of “matrescence” will normalize and validate how new mothers may feel. 

The following are suggestions by Alexandra Sacks, M.D., on what to look out for when becoming a new mother:

Changing Family Dynamics: Having a baby is an act of creation. Pregnancy is more than creating a new human; it also creates a new family. A baby is a catalyst that will open new possibilities for more intimate connections and new stresses in a woman's closest relationships with her partner, siblings, and friends.

Ambivalence: The experience of the pull and push of wanting a child close and also craving space (physically and emotionally) is the normal wave of motherhood. Ambivalence is a feeling that comes up in the roles and relationships a person is most invested in because they are always a juggling act between giving and taking. Motherhood is no exception. Part of why people have difficulty dealing with ambivalence is that it is uncomfortable to feel two opposing things simultaneously. Most of the time, the experience of motherhood is not good or bad; it is both good and bad. It is essential to learn how to tolerate and even get comfortable with the discomfort of ambivalence.

Fantasy vs. Reality: By the time baby arrives, a woman has already developed feelings about her fantasy baby. As pregnancy progresses, a woman creates a story about her make-believe child and becomes emotionally invested in that story. A woman's fantasies of pregnancy and motherhood are informed by her observations of her mother's experiences, other female relatives and friends, and her community and culture. They may be powerful enough that reality disappoints if it does not align with her vision.

Guilt, Shame, and "The Good Enough Mother": There is also the ideal mother in a woman's mind. She is always cheerful and happy and always puts her child's needs first. She has few needs of her own. She does not make decisions that she regrets. Most women compare themselves to that mother, but they never measure up because she is a fantasy. Some women think that "good enough" is unacceptable because it sounds like settling. Nevertheless, striving for perfection sets women up to feel shame and guilt.

References

Sacks, A. (2017). The birth of a mother. New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/08/well/family/the-birth-of-a-mother.html